Is it a bird?

 

 

Occasionally it happens that somebody is so desperate that they throw common sense to the winds and attempt extravagantly eccentric things. I have never tried to quantify matters but I suspect that there is a point at which the rational mind admits defeat and stands back to allow outlandish stupidity a chance.

If you struggle to believe me, I give you the example of Dolmor Soupwright. He was an apparently intelligent young man with prospects. He had the makings of a decent poet, he was considered sound by actuaries who would happily employ him, and his grasp of logistics mean there were Condottieri who were keen to hire him to manage their supply lines. Yet he lost his head over a maid.

Dame Hardcull was the wife of a Partannese Robber Baron. Admittedly the baron was from North-Central Partann rather than the south, so his robbery consisted more of imposing heavy tolls and taxes on those crossing his domain, rather than just killing people and going through their pockets. Indeed he was teetering on the edge of respectability, and some years later his son actually achieved it. Admittedly he achieved it partially by locking his father away in a lunatic asylum rather than merely assassinating him when he got fed up of waiting for the old man to die naturally, but we have to accept that it is a step forward.

Dame Hardcull, in the interests of respectability, had spent the summer season in Port Naain. She had taken a house and entertained her new friends and acquaintances as well as being invited to all the important events. She brought some of her own people from Partann and hired in a few local staff to provide the necessary airs and graces.

Dolmor wasn’t the sort of person to be invited to the sorts of parties Dame Hardcull threw. He came into contact with her because he was the one who took on the task of purchasing provisions of a suitable quality, plus engaging suitable artists and performers. It was as he did this that he met Talmeia.

Talmeia was a ‘lady’s maid’, bargaining chip and hostage. She was a hostage to ensure her father and brother didn’t do anything untoward like attempting to sack Chateau Hardcull. She was a bargaining chip in that the Hardcull’s dangled her hand in marriage before sundry of their vassals, as a way of enticing them into loyalty. She was a lady’s maid because the Hardcull’s knew the value of money and insisted that every dreg they spent provided them with at least a full dreg’s worth.

Talmeia swept Dolmor of his feet. He fell madly in love with her. After some weeks of assiduous wooing, combined with careful thinking on Talmeia’s part, she allowed herself to fall in love with him. Indeed why not? From her point of view he had mastered not merely the rudiments of hygiene but appeared to be competent in hygiene’s more advanced aspects. Added to this, he didn’t appear to want to kill anybody. Also nobody seemed to be particularly enthused at the idea of killing him, and he was handsome enough, had a pleasant manner, and a steady income. Indeed as she got to know him better, she discovered she might genuinely be falling in love.

Unfortunately this came to the attention of Dame Hardcull. Talmeia was whisked by to Chateau Hardcull where she was locked in the high tower until Baron Hardcull could decide which of his vassals should be awarded her hand in marriage.

Dolmor decided to rescue her. The problem was he couldn’t afford to hire mercenaries to rescue her. With his experience he could calculate those costs to the nearest vintenar. He couldn’t hope to storm Chateau Hardcull on his own, so the only option was stealth. He did ask various people about the Chateau and the high tower. Their replies were not encouraging. It was generally agreed that the only way into the Chateau was to fly. So he decided he had to fly.

First he approached Stillitoe Cloudwiller, inventor of the Cloudwiller Patented Commendable Monocycle, as well as the Cloudwiller Patented War Tricycle. The latter project languishes still at the planning stage, but everybody who has seen the plans has been impressed by both the boldness of the concept, and the immensity of the cost. Unfortunately for Dolmor, Cloudwiller was at the time fixated with steam engines and his patented maiden rescuing device would need a crew of ten stokers as well as deck officers, balloon tenders and vane trimmers. It would also cost more to build than a luxury yacht the size of a large merchantman.

So in desperation Dolmor approached Butterford Eelwart. Butterford needs no introduction. If he does then repair forthwith to the story, ‘The cutting edge of modern technology,’ where he will be introduced.

https://tallissteelyard.wordpress.com/2018/12/16/the-cutting-edge-of-modern-technology/

The great man decided that Dolmor needed a lighter than air flying machine. To design one he needed to know how heavy the passengers and crew were. Dolmor he could weigh, but obviously Talmeia was not available. Also, Dolmor, being a gentleman, had never thought to ask his beloved how much she weighed. He tried to help but Butterford was forced to explain to him that ‘pert’, ‘petite,’ and ‘desirable’ are not engineering terms.

Still Butterford did what he could; building in what he hoped was an adequate element of redundancy. As he did so, Dolmor planned his attack. Allowing for the prevailing wind, his best hope of success was to launch his flying machine from a boat, swoop on Chateau Hardcull, rescue the fair Talmeia, and then continue eastwards and hope to land in the territory controlled by Talmeia’s father.

Butterford, once satisfied with the initial trials, agreed to provide the boat and be present to help Dolmor get airborne. Word was smuggled through to Talmeia to say that rescue was on its way, and with that the expedition sailed south. Once in place they waited two days for a good wind, and then Dolmor took to the skies.

It must be admitted that the contrivance flew well. There was a sling hanging below Dolmor’s feet. Into this sling was placed four pigs of iron. The idea was that they could be tumbled out and Talmeia could take their place.

Navigation was something of an issue, given that it was dark and Dolmor didn’t know the area. Still Chateau Hardcull is surrounded on three sides by a lake and on the fourth side by a moat of considerable width, so Dolmor hoped it wouldn’t be too hard to find. Fortunately it was a night of broken cloud and there was enough moonlight for him to find his way. He arrived at the tower and tethered his craft to the flagpole. That done it was a simple enough job to haul his craft down so that he could just step out onto the tower top. He then went down through the trap door and descended the spiral staircase to find Talmeia.

Fortunately as he did this, somebody noticed his flying machine bobbing about on the top of the tower and gave the alarm. This meant that Talmeia had no time to pack and had to just leave as she was. This probably saved them. Had she fetched half of what was necessary, their craft would have struggled to get airborne.

When she first saw how she was to travel, she point blank refused. Fortunately at that point a somewhat drunken Baron Hardcutt charged out into the courtyard at the head of his guards, pointed at the tower with his drawn sword and shouted, “Kill ‘em all and let the goddess Aea sort them out.” (As an aside it was this order which finally allowed the younger Baron Hardcutt to have his father incarcerated in the Port Naain Insane Asylum.)

This, combined with the clattering noise made as the guards ran up the spiral stairway, emboldened the maiden and she enthusiastically helped Dolmor throw the pigs of iron down the trapdoor. Then, with her secure in the sling, Dolmor took off.

It has to be admitted at this point that Butterford had probably over compensated. Talmeia was considerably lighter than the pigs of iron and the aerial craft soared rapidly upwards, taking the escaping lovers safely beyond crossbow range in a matter of seconds. Then with the wind behind them they were carried rapidly eastwards towards safety. With dawn breaking and Talmeia to guide him, Dolmor landed next to the family pele tower.

At this point things did get somewhat complicated. Talmeia’s father, having his daughter back, wanted to marry her off swiftly to a neighbouring lordling, to secure his alliance in an attack on Chateau Hardcutt. He had some wild idea of a force mounted in flying machines swooping down upon the surprised defenders below.

Talmeia immediately put her father right. She pointed out that all that marrying her to a neighbour would achieve would be to ensure that her children would doubtless try and claim their mother’s inheritance. This won her brother’s immediate support. Dolmor pointed out that the flying machine only travelled with the prevailing wind, so if he wanted to attack anybody, it would have to be to the east rather than the west.

Finally, her father gave his blessing to the happy couple. They traded the flying machine for two horses and rode to Port Naain where they were married. There they lived as happily ever after as one might expect.

Back in Partann, their expedition had unforeseen consequences. The younger Baron Hardcull took control of the Hardcull territories. At the same time Talmeia’s brother came into his inheritance when his father decided to try the flying machine. It appears that wearing full armour doesn’t protect you in the event of a crash landing.

Still with two young men in control, and with both striving for respectability, change was possible. With Dolmor to advise them on the latest thinking in matters of trade, they were able to maximise their revenue from tolls whilst not chasing away too many merchants. The increased income combined with a cut in the number of mercenaries each was forced to hire let to a happy increase in prosperity.

Talmeia, representing her brother in Port Naain society, had the joy of snubbing the Dowager Dame Hardcull on numerous occasions.

♥♥♥♥

Anyone wishing to know more of the world of Tallis Steelyard could well enjoy

Tallis Steelyard: Six men in a boat.

 

As a reviewer commented, “Tallis Steelyard is a poet with champagne tastes on a beer budget. Chased out of town, and into the bay, by irate creditors, he’s rescued by a passing boat and given the opportunity to become a part of the crew. Thereafter follow a series of adventures, many funny, before Tallis can finally return home again.

I thoroughly enjoyed the story and recommend it highly!”